My Mother on my Upcoming Root Canal

My Mom: I think this is one of those situations where it's appropriate to raise your fists to the sky and curse your faggot God.

Frances on Meat

fran: haha
fran: i loved meat when i was 8 too
fran: i used to suck the blood out of steaks
fran: yumma

The Mechanic on my Driving

Mechanic: Well, you might want to tell whoever has been driving your car to STOP RIDING THE BRAKES.

*(this fellow obviously has no experience with CRASHING HIS CAR INTO FOUR OTHER CARS ON THE BAY BRIDGE AND THE RESULTING PARANOIA. fucker.)