My masterpiece is going to be published in the March issue of Playgirl (allegedly). I'm expecting each and every shutitdown reader to purchase a copy when it hits the stands in February. Feel free to tell the cashier you are just buying it "for the articles."

Of course I've already told my friends about the highlights of the piece. One of them, specifically, caught my friend Iris' eye. "You said he had a small penis?" she gasped, referring to an ex-boyfriend of mine. I could hear the wheels turning, oiled by large quantities of gin.

Then, today, I see this. The Large and Small of It, a short piece by Iris. It's moments like these that make me feel reassured in the fact that there are kindred souls in the world.