Me at the castle in Edinburgh

Before going to Scotland, all I knew about the country was what I had seen in Trainspotting (the movie). Therefore, I wasn't surprised when everyone appeared to be a criminal and junkie. I was slightly surprised to realize that much like Trainspotting (the book), I couldn't understand a fucking word anyone said. Ostensibly we are speaking the same language, but I'll be fooked if could understand what they meant when they said "A'll hae a troch 'o roch, un a puck 'o richy peg!"

Here's a typical exchange:
Me: What's your name?
Scotsman: ofaemvad
Me: Excuse me?
Scotsman: edfrtdatyl
Me: WHAT?
Scotsman: neswDavidpofd
Scotsman: Can omgrtysl kiss gdsg you?
Me: I guess so.
Me: But in America we don't use tongue.
Me: Don't even try it.
Scotsman: Oefsdaaw