Today my visa and work permit application was submitted to the Irish government. This is a frightening moment for me. As usual, I'm almost more scared to get what I want than for everything to fall apart. I've wanted to move for so long, and now it might really happen. It's almost too much to contemplate.

I'm excited about the possibility of moving to Dublin, though. I'd like to get as far away from my life as possible. Having been here three months now, I've started to create a new life--completely inadvertently of course. I wonder how long I will be able to stay before I have to run away from this life too.

I'm still happy, really. I still want to stay here. But I live my life perpetually in fear; I sit in bed most mornings and wait for something terrible to happen. And it inevitably does--but is that only because I was waiting for it?

The pseudo-relationship I am in right now scares me. I haven't dated anyone in a while because I'm terrified of having my self-esteem completely destroyed again. This boy that I am seeing, though, is so [redacted] that I can't see any other outcome. A very Seinfeldian question, but can a relationship with [redacted] disparity ever truly work? My impulse is to destroy things as quickly as possible to pre-emptively end things so I won't get hurt. Sabotaging myself seems so much neater than just waiting for someone else to crush you.

Usually I start smoking every time I get dumped. But I have an unusually severe case of bronchitis, and really need to recover before I can start smoking again. Hopefully, the hottie will understand this and hold off for a while, at least until the antibiotics kick in.