April 2002 Archives

Today Fran and I went to the Police Station. Here's how things went down.

Me: I want to file a police report for some credit card fraud.
Them: What fraud?
Me: Someone has being purchasing copious amounts of internet porn with my debit card.
Them: Oh. Well you need the receipts for the purchases.
Me: The companies will not provide me with any infomation without a subpoena, because they are scandelous, shady companys.
Them: Well, you need receipts or we won't file the report.
Me: But they won't give me the receipts. I have my bank statements of the charges. Isn't that enough? I called the precinct earlier and they said that was fine!
Them: You need the receipts.
Me: So these companies can fraudulently bill me, and as long as they don't provide me with the receipt, they are in the clear because you won't let me file charges?
Them: (speaking very slowly as if I am a retard) I won't fill out the paperwork unless you have receipts. Go to 1 Police Plaza. They have a computer division.
Me: (speaking very slowly) Thank you for your help you fat cunt.

So that was my day! Poor Fran had to walk away while I was arguing with the po-lice, she was surely afraid that my head would explode, or even worse my karma might be catching.

On another note, I am 99% sure I am going to move back west. Fran is going to move into my apartment.

So I didn't update my site for a week because I had blocked my parent's provider from accessing my web page, because my mom was being annoying. So then once I was there, I realized I couldn't access it either. Haw. I needed a break though!

My favorite internet drama queen ghetto lady is back in town! Well, not really, I think Jamie is in Germany but her site is back up. Here at shutitdown.net we commend Jamie for not having bloated, saggy breasts! Cheers!

Before I left I won this auction on Ebay: BIZARRE 70'S Sex Education For Retarded VHS . All I can say is that life is GOOD.

I'm very excited about the prospect of moving to California. I need more freckles. Hmm...what else? Well, that picture is a woodcut that I did in my printmaking class this week.

Today's Friday Five.

1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? AGGG! I LOVE FOOD. So I have a whole theory about how the only food I should eat out is should be asian food, because this is the only food I can not cook with any degree of skill. Most other things I eat out I think I could make as well or better as the resturant. So back to the point here, I LOVE SUSHI. Like, it's been my favorite food since I was 4. I LOVE SUSHI. God yes. So some of the Sushi resturants around here are my favorite. There is also this Korean resturant in San Francisco that I love, but I can't remember the name. Sorry about the lack of specifics, kids.
2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? God, thinking about a McDonald's cheeseburger makes me all gooey inside. But I haven't had one in years. I want one. Now. I don't allow myself to eat stuff like this often, because I eat so much other fatty (but not fast) food.
3. What are your standards and rules for tipping?I tend to get fairly pissed at waitstaff when they are rude to me. Here in NY it happens a lot. I tip 15% or so, but if they aren't total cunts I hit the 20% mark. Which is where it always should be.
4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? Nope, too expensive. If my grandpa was taking me out, hell yes I would.
5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? Water.

More updates later.

So I also have been in the middle of midterms and college application hell, so I haven't written to anyone that deserves to be written to, nor have I updated my site.

Tomorrow I will post a new photo album in the yahoo group with like 50 pics so join now and mentally prepare yourself. :D

My butt-buddy Sheila.

Please note that she is holding the Xmas card I sent her with my sugar gliders in stockings hung from the Christmas tree. <3<3<3

So anyway, on the peripheries of my little world was a guy about my age, we will call him Patrick. Patrick came from the suburbs of Philly, and was a nice young man at the age of 18. He had a girlfriend and cooked and worked as a busser or waiter in some resturant. He came to NYC to go to college; he wanted to be a screenwriter. Now, Patrick wasn't a Prada-wearing status whore or anything, he wore shirts from his old job almost every day. Typical dork.

Then one day he was going to a college party at my friends dorm with one our other friends, who was a certified starfucker and B-list celeb. For some reason they couldn't get in to the part, and the starfucker suggested that they go to Moomba (which at the time was a notorious celebrity and model hang-out). Patrick freaked out.

After that night he was irevocibly changed. He never wanted to hang out with his NYU friends, he only wanted to go out to where celebrities were. He stopped wearing his ratty old t-shirts, and tried to get "cool" clothes. PATRICK HAD BEEN BLINDED BY THE MAGIC. Nothing would ever be the same.

Soon after this, Michael Stipe started hitting on him. Like, overtly, and all the time. Patrick wasn't gay, but he was an REM fan. He thought Michael Stipe would read his screenplays and help him make it in "the biz". Eventually (but not as long as you'd think), Patrick became Michael Stipe's bitch-boy. When Michael was in town he would call Patrick at 4 or 5am and make him wake up and come to his hotel room to service him. It became more and more outrageous, he would come out to karaoke still, and would be sitting on Michael Stipe's lap, looking ashamed.

Michael, of course, never read Patrick's screen plays. When Patrick finally got dumped, all he had to show for being butt-fucked was a photo album of himself with all the celebrities that Michael had introduced him to. He stopped coming out to Moomba and karaoke. Patrick called up his old high school sweetheart and got back together with her. I think that ending may have been anti-climatic, but I guess the moral is, don't take in the butt unless you like it, cuz it ain't gonna get you on the big screen.
This story, which will probably get me sued, even though it is true, is called, "BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG DICK IN MY ASS."