May 2002 Archives

Girl One: "I mean, like, what do you call a guy that cheats on you all time???"
Girl Two: "Your boyfriend?"

AHAHAH

Okay, I'm done with finals, and am almost done with moving. My cam will be down for a week or so, but since I barely update you probably won't even notice! I am so stressed out that I keep having weird panic attacks where I can't breathe. It's kind of fun though, because if you don't breathe for long enough brain cells start to die and it gives you a buzz.

Tonight I went to hear the PLF dj. It was fun. He played the popcorn song (my theme song) for me, and hooked on a feeling. Then this asshole came over and said, "Can you do me a favor and turn this off?" Then I wasn't allowed to make requests anymore so he wouldn't play my next few choices which were O-Town, Amish Paradise by Weird Al, All She Wants to Do is Dance by Don Henley and Everybody Wang Chung Tonight. Why is life so hard??

I know everyone was desperately wondering how my trip to the South Bronx was. I have received dozens of inquiries as to my personal safety, so I thought I would put all of your minds at ease by telling you that it was OKAY. That's it. Not great, not terrible. As you may know, one of my friends, Iris, is a 6th grade teacher for the worst 6th grade class in all of New York City. And that's not just her opinion, it's an actually documented, recorded class. The school she teaches as has been named the worst elementary school in New York City being the proud possessors the lowest test scores in the city. And within the school, Iris teaches the worst class, apparently. There are kids as old as 15 in there, and a few of them were twice my size, which is immense.

At one point, I was left alone with my 9 charges, (7 of which are shown in the lower picture), and one of them, a girl weighing in at a hefty 175 pounds, decided that she had suffered enough indignities at the hands of her 250 pound tormenter. She grabbed a stapler, pushed me aside, and barrelled towards the door in a fury. I had to physically restrain her, which was NOT easy, remove the stapler from her grip, whereupon she picked up a chair and threw it across the room. Some of her classmates warned me at this point that she had used a similar chair to shatter the blackboard earlier in the year (which had still not be replaced). Needless to say, I was furious/terrified, as I was, at this point, alone with these animals. To add insult to injury, the same girl beat me at a game of tic tac toe a mere 15 minutes later.

Also, I saw lots of animals and learned some new slang. Other than that, I haven't been able to breath properly due to anxiety regarding my finals/move. AHHFHGHKDLAHGAAHSAFHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.

I am going to sleep now because I am going to the South Bronx tomorrow to chaperone a sixth grade field trip to the zoo. Hopefully I won't get mugged. :D

On the squirrel front, I spent a little while checking out the CDC info on squirrels and rabies. I needed to know if my new friendship would be allowed to bloom in a cold, harsh world that takes such a dim view of interspecies love, and especially those loves that contain rabid animals.

So after establishing that it was fairly safe, I went back to visit my new buddy and I named him Randy2. Randy1 is a long story, and not a very interesting one either.

I gave him some pecans and he and his friends fought over them. I took pictures of him, and solemnly promised to make him a star. We've really worked things out since the other day, when he attacked me in the projects.

On the school front, I think I got a 96 on my Pysch exam yesterday.

I got an 8/10 which I thought was pretty great, but then I sent the stupid thing to my mom who got an 10/10. This is the woman that got a perfect score on her SATs Verbal section. Once I get back to California I am going to kill her in her sleep.

Just kidding, it's her birthday. I was just about to post what we got her, but then I realized I should wait until she receives it, or it will ruin the surprise.

Tell me what you got on your vocab test!

In the dream, I was trying to fulfil my foreign language requirements and so I decided to take English, because I don't know any of the rules of grammar, etc.

In the class, all the students had their mouths open and when the teacher held up a copy of Great Expectations and asked us if we knew what it was, no one did. I cried "It's only, like, the greatest book ever written!" and slammed my head down on the desk.

Then I woke up.

Props to Mr. Dickens, but I don't think GE was the greatest book ever written, at least when I am awake. I think this whole dream goes to show that I can't bear to be surrounded by morons much longer...

I was just checking out Chrissy aka Christilina's webpage. Now here is the problem. I really want to hate her, because she weighs like 27 pounds and is blond. Usually, that's a good reason to hate someone. At least, that is a good enough reason for me. But the problem is, she is pretty fucking funny in addition to weighing 12 pounds and being blond. BITCH, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. And when I say bitch, I am referring to God, not to Christilina. I think I like her.

The reason I was there was because my roommate, and pseudo-boyfriend (aka PLF) was DJing there. My old buddy Larry Tee was DJing before the PLF and he had hired a few drag queens to promote the event. Apparently the lure had worked, because there was no on in attendance other than drag queens and a few stray Pat Fields employees. Although I was wearing awkward 5 inch platforms and a miniskirt, and was clutching my faux purple alligator purse, I could not compete with these ladies.

They pranced up and down the dancefloor, not dancing, but in a strange ritual that these almost-women call "doing runway."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, drag queens do not dance, they cavort up and down the dancefloor pretending that it is their runway, and they are supermodels. The soundtrack: Flawless - The Ones. If you haven't heard this little ditty, check out the lyrics and realize what a masterpiece it is.

I really don't have anything else to say, except for the fact that there was one of the worst snowstorms in history that night, I broke my shoe, and ended up waiting outside the club at 5am with the PLF's records in the snowstorm, in my miniskirt, waiting for the PLF to trek east to find a cab. Plus the fact that a security guard stole my purse. Thank god I don't leave the house anymore.

Go visit Gutterslut, she's the newest chickenlegs writer lady--and with such an enticing name! It makes me question my whole spin on life.

So I was planning on just posting the lyrics to Biggie Smalls' Back To Cali but I decided that would be way too annoying for my "mature" readers. Meaning anyone who doesn't have their hand in their pants right now.
I had a weird dream about moving last night. It was mostly good, except I was with my parents and there were all these dogs there, and my dad was being mean to me. But then we went to get me a bed so that's when it because a good dream.

I'm boring. But I love COPS too. The show I mean.

I just read this post and realized that I am the biggest moron.