July 2002 Archives

I just thought about the fact that I hadn't done my Friday Five in like 158609438 years. They didn't update it for a few weeks and I moved and basically gave up. Very troubling.

So this one is from two weeks ago.

1. Where were you born? New York City, baby.

2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? I actually was raised in California, and then returned to my homeland as a (older) teen. New York was cool and all, because no one raised an eye at my horrid and overwhelming bitterness. I just moved back to California, and although I love it here, I definately feel like I'm a little too jaded for the crunchy scene here. I guess that didn't answer the question though, did it?

3. Where in the world do you feel the safest? Sometimes at my parents' house. Only if my dad isn't in a bad mood. Most of the time, I feel safest in my bed. Sleeping, preferably.

4. Do you feel you are well-traveled? This is something that has just come up for me, but I am starting to feel like a moron for not traveling more. In my home town, no one ever leaves. Or at least, they never leave the Bay Area. So I thought I was a big shot for going to New York. Like, this is why americans are such assholes. We think the world revolves around us, and that we are this giant self-sustaining entity. Basically, I just stay stateside and get fat, like every other american. This is quite embarrassing.

5. Where is the most interesting place you've been? Mexico. Yes, I know I should say Europe, but I am fascinated with Mexican art, and swarthy Mexican men. Ninguna Gracias yo tengo las enfermedades.

If I have the strength, I may do one more Friday Five before the end of this week.

The other day I was riding the train and I saw a boy that looked just like me. Well, he looked like a boy version of me. It was terrifying. Well, a cross between terrifying and TOTALLY HOT. I stared at him the whole ride. It was so awesome, it was like watching myself. I kept moving my hands like a mime, just to see if his hands would move too (they didn't). Finally, I had an outlet for my self-obsession other than this page.

To be honest, I think he was a little bit scared by my penetrating glance. I had already thought of a great pick up line,
"Hey, you want to go make clone babies?"
But before I got a chance to try it out, he dashed out the door in his checkerboard vans. Depressed.

...how much I like Ruca. Other than that, I don't have a whole lot to say.

I already have about 80 pictures from my first few months in California. I am going to put them up in my Yahoo Group which is where I host all my photo albums. So join if you haven't already, and maybe if I decide to get off my fat ass I will upload all these pictures.

In other news, I have been told that my apartment looks like a "sex den," so maybe I will upload pictures of that too. Maybe.

lina (8:46:14 AM): dude the most fucked up thing happened this morning
max werkn (8:46:21 AM): ?
lina (8:46:26 AM): i put my hand into the toaster to retrieve my frozen waffle
max werkn (8:46:31 AM): DING
max werkn (8:46:34 AM): YOU WIN A PRIZE
lina (8:46:39 AM): and my hand touched the top of the toaster
max werkn (8:46:53 AM): dude
lina (8:46:58 AM): and part of my skin immediately turned brown and sizzled
max werkn (8:46:59 AM): even a dog would have learned by now
lina (8:47:03 AM): it was so fucked up
lina (8:47:09 AM): it stinks like burned flesh
max werkn (8:47:10 AM): DONT TOUCH THE HOT THINGS
lina (8:47:20 AM): i didn't mean to, asshole
lina (8:47:34 AM): i mean, this is coming from a guy who sticks screwdrivers into his own hand
max werkn (8:48:00 AM): it was always on purpose
max werkn (8:48:03 AM): for sympathy
lina (8:48:32 AM): did it work?
max werkn (8:48:40 AM): not sure
lina (8:48:47 AM): i felt sorry for you
lina (8:48:56 AM): a little
lina (8:49:01 AM): i was definately grossed out
lina (8:49:05 AM): so i felt something, at least
max werkn (8:49:07 AM): it did gush
max werkn (8:49:18 AM): member when you were putting foil in your hair
max werkn (8:49:26 AM): and i put a mouse trap under a piece of foil
max werkn (8:49:33 AM): and it nearly broke your finger
lina (8:49:38 AM): no???
max werkn (8:49:40 AM): i felt sorry for you
max werkn (8:49:41 AM): a little
lina (8:49:43 AM): did that really happen?
max werkn (8:49:47 AM): yes.
max werkn (8:49:50 AM): mom remembers
max werkn (8:49:57 AM): you were in my room for some reason
max werkn (8:50:03 AM): and you were doing your hair
max werkn (8:50:13 AM): wrapping it in foil for some reason
max werkn (8:50:19 AM): when we had all the mice problems
max werkn (8:50:28 AM): and i took one of the mouse traps
max werkn (8:50:36 AM): and put it under a piece of foil
max werkn (8:50:41 AM): and you went to pick it up
max werkn (8:50:44 AM): and it snapped
max werkn (8:50:49 AM): and you screamed bloody murder
max werkn (8:50:55 AM): saying i broke your finger
max werkn (8:50:56 AM): and i hid
lina (8:52:11 AM): now that i know about this, i'm gonna get you
lina (8:52:15 AM): you should hide now
max werkn (8:52:29 AM): pft
lina (8:53:08 AM): i totally blocked that out
max werkn (8:53:28 AM): with good reason
lina (8:53:34 AM): yeah no kidding
lina (8:53:37 AM): christ
max werkn (8:53:44 AM): remember when we were fighting
max werkn (8:53:47 AM): all through out the house
max werkn (8:53:53 AM): and we ended up on the floor in the dining room
max werkn (8:54:04 AM): and i grabbed your head and smacked you face first into the tile
max werkn (8:54:07 AM): and your teeth bled
max werkn (8:54:12 AM): we didnt fight much after that
lina (8:54:35 AM): you fag
max werkn (8:54:53 AM): you remember dont you
max werkn (8:54:59 AM): our parents were horrified
lina (8:56:31 AM): no i dont remember at all
lina (8:57:21 AM): you savage
max werkn (8:57:51 AM): ask them
lina (9:00:22 AM): i just called to ask about the mousetrap
max werkn (9:01:44 AM): sacred memories

PLEASE, for the love of god, check out this video: Your momma smokes crack rock.
The little girl with the fat face and side ponytail is so cute and reminds me of my fat sugar glider. SO CUTE!

So, since I blocked my mom from reading my webpage, I can go ahead and start publishing her emails again.

----- Original Message ----- From: My mom To: lina Sent: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 14:19:16 Subject: from the onion with love http://www.onion.com/onion3825/wdyt_3825.html

----- Original Message ----- From: lina To: my mom Sent: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 14:31:28 Subject: Re: from the onion with love hahahah i love retards

----- Original Message ----- From: my mom To: lina Sent: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 14:41:03 Subject: Re: Re: from the onion with love Who doesn't? Hey, I was watching a commercial for the new Fox show "30 Seconds of Fame," which is a sort of weirdo talent contest where they have fire eaters, a midget singer, etc., and I realized that any day now they are going to have a real live freak show on TV--performers who are physically deformed in some interesting way, like those Siamese twin country singers. It's in development right now, I'm sure. Hope it's on Fox and not on cable.

I like my mom, and my mom likes freaks. My brother and I got my mom some crap for her birthday, that I mentioned at the time, but forgot to link for fear of ruining the surprise. So here it is, you should all run out and get these things for yo mommas.

Gift 1 | Gift 2 | Gift 3

I had to make a solemn vow to myself to update my page today, and here I am, raring to go. I have been having a hard time motivating myself to update, primarily because I am on AOL dial-up when I am at home, and that's no fun at all. And cable connections aren't available in my neighborhood yet. At&t has no love for the ghetto.

Saturday, I had my picture on the front page of the Onion, Salon, Nerve, FuckedCompany and Bust. Actually, I got a few letters from people I hadn't heard from in ages telling me that my grinning mug was prominently featured. No, I hadn't become famous, I was The Catch of the Day, from the Nerve personals. Like a piece of poached salmon, I was not particularly happy to be labeled thus, as I thought it made me look like a sex-hungry wanton slut.

I got my retaliation when I realized that Nerve didn't have staff in until Monday, so I changed my ad to prominently feature a link to my website. This resulted in $40 profit from porn sign-ups, ostensibly from potential suitors who quickly realized that they would never see me naked. Since Nerve took down my URL first thing this morning, I promptly took down my profile in retaliation. In case you missed it, here are some of the highlights:

Last great book I read:
19th Century Lit makes me tingle.

Most humbling moment:
In 6th grade a boy named Josh gave me a Michael Jordan valentine with 'Will you go out with me? Circle one Yes No' written on. I read it and went to finish passing out my valentines. When I came back to my desk he had taken the valentine and erased it.

Favorite on-screen sex scene:
Perry Farrell doing it with his dead wife in The Gift.

So other than all this, there isn't too much exciting going on here. I got the cutest sweater at dickiesgirl.com, which was the first thing I have bought that cost more than $20 in like, a year. I wore it for 2 hours, and then it got stolen at my job. I am so bitter about it, and it makes me sad everytime I think about some retard wandering the streets of San Francisco wearing MY sweater!

On another note, here are some pictures that I meant to put up a few weeks ago when I went to that children's park with my all those little kids.

No wonder kids are so messed up nowadays. ;)

Ok, I got the best email today from the only person on the internet who still entertains me. And so, rather than entertain you myself, I shall just post his letter verbatim.

"Do you think Bad or Thriller is better? Just wondering...."

Let us compare and contrast:

1. Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'/Bad
Oh yeah. Double hitter territory. Bad just rocks! And the video with those gay gang members must be the first attempt to raise the issue of homosexuality in gang culture in music video history. For that alone, it must win.

BUT NO! We are forgetting "Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa" twinned with the tightest musical backing since James Brown played the Apollo in trousers that didn't so much as show you which sex he was, but also his religion. "Startin'..." is such a good song. It is like a complete album in 5 minutes. All the positive vibes of an opener, the soulsearching middle and the hand-clappin', backing-singered finale. Thriller 1 - 0 Bad

2. Baby Be Mine/The Way You Make Me Feel
No contest. The weakest song on Thriller against the second best song on Bad. "Chika, chika Chika, chika, chika Go on, girl" Thriller 1 - 1 Bad

3. The Girl Is Mine/Speed Demon
It's a close one, but Speed Demon throws in the towel with, as Paul Simon once said, 'words that tear and strain to rhyme' I mean, "Speeeeeeeeed Dmnnnn!" And The Girl Is Mine has a Beatle singing. Game, set and match. Also features Michael saying, "I'm A Lover Not A Fighter" Thriller 2 - 1 Bad

4. Thriller/Liberian Girl
There is no need to justify this. Thriller 3 - 1 Bad

5. Beat It/Just Good Friends
Now, I am not that crazy over Beat It. I think the guitar solo is plain awful. Spoils the song. Then, I can't for the lifer of me remember Just Good Friends. So... Thriller 4 - 1 Bad

6. Billie Jean/Another Part Of Me
One of the great Bad songs. In the best Stevie Wonder tradition. This song walks over so many other Michael Jackson songs. Unfortunately, just when Bad really needs to start picking up some points, along comes Billie Jean. The greatest bassline ever written struts into town.
There is nothing that comes even close to this song. When King of Pop time is over. Heck, 1000 years from now. This will remain. Two points. Thriller 6 - 1 Bad

7. Human Nature/Man In The Mirror
A close one. Man In The Mirror should knockout, but can't as it is cloyingly ego-lead "look at me, I am human too" wank-a-thon. Good tune, however. Plus, I am feeling pretty bad for Bad getting its ass kicked so royally. So I guess I tie is okay. Even though Human Nature is better :D Thriller 7 - 2 Bad

8. PYT/I Just Can't Stop Loving You
There was a time that Michael wrote wonderful ballads. Without him, there would be so fewer Bens in this world. Good thing/Bad thing - whose to decide? Anyway. Again, a nice lil' MJ ballad comes up against yet another Thriller headfucker. The only thing that is gonna make Bad look awful now is the fact it has more tracks. hehe. Thriller 8 - 2 Bad

9. Lady In My Life vs The rest of Bad (Dirty Diana, Smooth Criminal & Leave Me Alone)
Okay. Lady In My Life in schmaltz. Since the age of ten, I have known that this record should have finished with a reprise of track one. But no. It kinda whimpers away. Against that we can ignore Dirty Diana, as song-writing by numbers (and another awful guitar part) and move swiftly on to the best song on Bad. Smooth Criminal is out there. This song is so good that, 15 years on, I am still concerned to find out if Annie was okay. I mean, she may have had major recontructive surgery or something, and is now working as a volunteer in a shelter somewhere. And Leave Me Alone shows that Eminem having a "oooh. I hate being famous! Everyone bugs me all the time" Is not new. And Jacko said it with class. And still meant 'Fuck Off'. Two points to Bad. It would have been three, but thinking about Dirty Diana's guitar part has put me off eating tonite.

FINAL RESULT THRILLER 8 - 4 BAD

I must say, I do agree with this analysis except for one key point. Dirty Diana ROCKS (rox0rs?) the house. Other than that, perfect. :)

I've been getting these weird emails about aliens and space travel and such for almost a year. He knows I post these letters on my website, and it makes him mad (he writes me and tells me so) so why does he keep writing to me?

----- Original Message ----- From: <levi@gte.net> To: lina Sent: Thursday, July 04, 2002 12:28 AM Subject: Red or green moon cystals needed!!!19755 Hello, If you are in possession of the Blue, Red or Green Time Warping moon crystals, I need some. It would also be best if you are able to provide the proper shielding from there high level of radiation. Please make me an offer. Send a separate email to me at: MindTransference@aol.com Formulario enviado por (levi@gte.net) em Quinta-feira, Julho 4, 2002 at 08:28:00

I was talking on the phone with Frances last night and I was telling her about my first day in California, when I realized that I hadn't yet told you, my faithful reader.

My first day in California (this time) was a momentous one. I went to Ikea with my parents and we were in the children's section looking at some flip-flops that looked like frog's feet. Two teenagers walked up and pick up the flip-flops and one of them says, "Ohmigod! These are hell of cool!"

I looked at my parents and said, "I'm home."

The end.

Actually, I'm just posting this because Ian is harrassing me about it. For some reason I don't really feel like updating a lot lately, and I think it's because I am getting NO LOVE.

Someone at my work just told me that in his high school P.E. class there was an albino boy that used to pee on the wrestling mats and then slide through it, ala slip-n-slide. I don't know if I believe it, but I sure want to.