November 2002 Archives

Yes, this is from last year. Shut it.

I really hate it when people say "turkey day." Happy Turkey Day! I mean seriously, is there anything more annoying than that? I don't think so. So today, on turkey day, for the first time in 3 years I think, I am going to my parents house for the big day. This is very exciting for a number of reasons. First, my parents are gluttons. I clearly inherited their fine genetic stock, because none of us have that special mechanism that allows one to stop eating. To be honest, I'm a little bit surprised that they have never tried to resurrect the idea of the vomitorium. The old dad has made two turkeys for the big day, plus one last week so he can use it in the stuffing for these two. I'll take "Is that psychotic?" for $1000, Alex! Looks like I am going home with the cash prize because GOD KNOWS THAT 10 PEOPLE DO NOT NEED THREE TURKEYS. I would write more about my crazy family because this is basically going to be one of the more entertaining days of the year, but since they all read this freaking webpage and then harrass me (or my mother) about it, I can't post any of the good stuff. Sad, isn't it?

I really don't have anything funny to say. I could quote my mom again though, because she's always funny. A few days ago my parents came to visit me and we were all in the car together and I said something or other and my mom says, "You are weird."
I was shocked. I said, "Why am I weird?!?"
She replied, "Probably because you were badly brought up."
BA-DA-BING.

Lately I have been noticing a trend in my life. Consumption is the only thing that makes me happy. So I eat like a sow and shop till I drop. The problem with this equation is that I have no money so I can't actually shop. I like the idea, though. I have myself convinced that it's okay because it makes me a good american and that because we are on a "high terror alert" the only way to respond is to shop more. I just want to buy underwear that says, "I put out, just not for you." I told the Liz about this plan and she said she will just make me a shirt that says that because that way someone will actually see it. As it stands, the only person that sees my underwear that isn't one of my split personalities is my landlord who seems to let himself into my apartment when I am at school on a near-daily basis. This provides me with hours and hours of musing and trying to figure out precisely what he is doing and where the puddles may be.

Thanks to Tracy for making me update. Keep talking about those things you talk about, girl.

Wow. I am sleepy and it is only midnight. Go figure. Thinking about English literature and underwear all day really takes a lot out of a girl. Sigh.

<3 Fran.

Dear Eminem,
You are super hot. Thanks for taking off your shirt that one time in 8 Mile.
It was also nice to see that you only need approximately 2 minutes to procreate. I love you forever.

Love,
Lina

In other news, I heard a very similar story to Bright Lights, Big Dick in My Ass. Basically it was the same premise, but the star was Kevin Spacey. But I don't actually know any of the players involve, so this is just slander or libel or something. Anyway, I was just trying to come up with an excuse to link Bright Lights, Big Dick in My Ass. What a story, what a story.

So anywho, this isn't a real update. It's a preview of sorts. There's another drunk girl in one of my classes. Reminiscing about the drunk girl of CUNY brought a tear to my eye. I've also realized that I was funnier six months ago. It makes no sense. I still have no life, yet all those things that used to happen to me that made me sound like a raving psychotic with a vivid imagination have just kind of stopped happening.

Things like: getting attacked by a squirrel, or that time that I burnt my hand on the toaster and my brother told me about the time in our childhood that he smashed my face on the floor and made my teeth bleed, or remembering when I wore platforms and hung out with drag queens? <3. Love the good old days.

p.s. If you want a tattoo in Maryland, go here!