January 2003 Archives

My friend Leija just finished getting her proverbial house in order and her webpage finally works. Visit littlestpromdate.com right now and tell Leija how much you love her. She's the one that calls me "Buttah" and makes fun of me for being so white. The page, littlestpromdate.com, is named after a specific moment in time. A moment where Leija looked out her window, and saw some high schoolers taking pictures for their prom. And one of the girls, in the smallest prom dress imaginable, was a midget. She was, the littlest prom date. How cute is that?

Speaking of cute, I got sent the most disturbing penis I have ever seen last week, by a man whose self-proclaimed moniker is "The Shortest Willy." If you want to see said willy, click here. If you want to email "The Shortest Willy," click here. This is the kind of thing that makes me want to bathe in rubbing alcohol whilst chewing glass. Know what I mean, jellybean?

Also, go sign the Kirsten Dunst/Jake Gyllenhaal Sex Tape Petition. We all saw Bring It On and Donnie Darko didn't we? Nuff said.

p.s. I just went outside and saw a skunk in my driveway. This would never happen in nyc.

Today in my class I almost got jumped by a gang of angry militant lesbians for suggesting that it might be more appropriate to read Hemingway in a survey of American literature than to read texts that pertain exlusively to that of the transgendered person. If you want to spend your whole life reading and re-reading Stone Butch Blues, be my guest. They made a freaking major for that, it's called Women's Studies!! Get out of my English department! They would have scratched my eyeballs out, but luckily none of them had nails (subtext).

There are many wonderful things about going back to school as an "older" person. I am more dedicated to my schoolwork, I am there by choice rather than as a means to escape my parents, etc. But it is really fucking hard to deal with 18 and 19 year olds that have no life experience other than eating pussy their first semester away at college. I got pissed off about the same thing in August. I guess things don't change much in Lina-land.

Believe it or not, I actually feel really calm right now. This may be because I bought a pack of cigarettes. I feel good about it. Life is grand. ;)

Took off my eye makeup using mouthwash. Didn't realized I was using mouthwash instead of eye makeup remover until I went blind. Thanked the heavens that I was using "all natural" mouthwash.

With Fran, looked up every person on google that I have ever made out with. Tried to judge whether I am more successful than them.

Watched 48 episodes of Sex in the City. 16 of them were in one day.

Ate marshmallow fluff straight of the jar. With a knife.

Got some obscene lip gloss that definitely sends the wrong message.

I have a few days left, and this definitely isn't a comprehensive list. Stay tuned for more information.

I had already picked out the tank I planned to purchase when I noticed that Spanky was looking a littled peaked. He was clearly one of those fish that dies within 24 hours of getting home. I got really depressed and went home. But I can't stop thinking about Spanky. He's probably dead by now, but I am thinking about getting a Spanky2. I'm not sure if I can handle that kind of responsibility, though. What a tough decision I am facing.

That is my holiday picture for you, sorry it's a little late. It's an example of how the kids in San Francisco celebrate Christmas when they aren't wearing their goat horns and prancing around the bonfire listening to the Grateful Dead. Here's another picture that more completely shows the penis christmas ornaments. This sort of thing, in addition to the mild weather, is yet another reason I am glad that I moved. If you like these sorts of festivities, go check out his site. You'll like it, I swear.

Nothing very exciting is going on, surprise, surprise. I think I blew out my speakers yesterday listening to "Back in Black" by AC/DC. That was pretty fun. I may have to run away with the circus soon, just to get some excitement. I have this stretchy fabric that is about two inches wide and covered with silver sequins. My plan for it is to make tube tops for the sugar gliders, or a waist cincher for Fatty, as the case may be.

One of my highest priority life goals is to get the sugar gliders to wear clothes on a regular basis. Frankly, I would prefer it if they would not only wear clothes, but dress themselves each morning. (After changing out of their pajamas, obviously.) Other high priority life goals I have are to get an all white leather outfit including mini-skirt and ankle boots, to get a miniature dog and a saddle for it to wear so the sugar gliders can ride it like a horse, and to make out with a 17 year old. I was thinking about this last one recently and I am starting to realize how freaking futile it is. I have had this goal since I was 14, and the older I get, the less likely it is going to become a reality, I fear.

In other, less exciting news, I uploaded a new photo album that features me and my little friends frolicking around town in the months of November and December. This includes our big trip to the SEX STORE. Good times. If you are one of my family members, just shut up and stop ruining my fun.
If you want to check out the pictures, go here. It is a Yahoo club, so that means if you have a yahoo email address you can join and check out the pictures. It's free, no commitment, etc. Have at em.

Smooches.

So I only got two sets of questions, you guys are pretty pathetic. :P

1. Train A leaves NYC at 3pm traveling 60 mph. Train B leaves Philadelphia at 2pm traveling 55 mph. Which arrives in Idaho first? I'm not answering this on the grounds that it is clearly a product of the patriarchy and I refuse to bow to the misogynistic powers that be.
2. Have you ever jumped from an airplane? Nope.
3. Was it in flight at the time? n/a.
4. Have you ever driven (not just ridden on) a motorcycle? Nope. Christ, I almost wet myself about that last experience on a motorcycle, I don't really think I could take it any farther by actually operating one myself. And then, if you will recall, my mother forbid me to ever get near one of those glorious machines again.
5. What went through your mind immediately after getting your first tattoo? "God, I am SO cool."

and...

1. If you could bring any one person back from the dead, who would it be and why? Probably my friend Lizard. I don't really like it when my friends die. I don't like it at all, actually.
2. In a film of your life, who would play you? Probably Toni Collette in her fat, redheaded stage.
3. Tell me your last dream. I actually don't remember anything about it except that Cher was in it. I did watch Witches of Eastwick that night. So of course in my dream she had that really bad hair. Christ.
4. What one thing (non-material) would improve the quality of your life above all others? Happiness. Seratonin. I don't know!
5. I don't have a fifth question. And I realise #3 wasn't a question either. Discuss. As I said above, pathetic. ;)

In other news, go check out some partially naked girls so I get some freaking traffic. Thanks!

So on New Year's eve I went to some retarded show but I got in free so it was okay. Long gone are the days of being on the guest list, now I paint fake handstamps on my grubby mitt to get in. I can't tell if my life is getter better, or so incredibly worse that I can't even see it happening. Anyway, we were driving around and there was this cable car on wheels thing blasting "OPP" and "The Thong Song." It was pretty great. And then we saw this guy with puke all over his leg, and a girl passed out in the puke. So we took pictures. And here I am today, to present it to you.

Anyway, the friday fives really suck, but at least they motivate me to update. So why don't you make up your own five questions and post them in the comments, and maybe I will answer them in the manner to which you have become accustomed. Deal?

2. How often do you wear it?
Didn't I already cover this?

3. Do you have any piercings? If so, where?
Just ears at the moment. I still have three holes in my ears from back in the early 90's when that was cool and stuff. Don't play like you don't remember those heady years. I pretty much only wear one or two at a time in each ear now, though.

Don't you guys remember when I gave the poll on shutitdown about whether or not to remove the horrendous facial piercing I had at the time? It was a spike that I had jutting out of my maw that just screamed "DON'T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME." Y'all voted for me to take it out. Good times, good times my friends.

4. Do you have any tattoos? If so, where?
Yup, I have three. You've probably seen the pictures floating around here somewhere.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?
TO PARTY HEARTY/HARDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and to post the picture I took on New Year's that involves vomit. xoxox