July 2003 Archives

Quoth the Frances (and my mother and the mechanic...)

My Mother on my Upcoming Root Canal

My Mom: I think this is one of those situations where it's appropriate to raise your fists to the sky and curse your faggot God.

Frances on Meat

fran: haha
fran: i loved meat when i was 8 too
fran: i used to suck the blood out of steaks
fran: yumma

The Mechanic on my Driving

Mechanic: Well, you might want to tell whoever has been driving your car to STOP RIDING THE BRAKES.

*(this fellow obviously has no experience with CRASHING HIS CAR INTO FOUR OTHER CARS ON THE BAY BRIDGE AND THE RESULTING PARANOIA. fucker.)

By Lina on July 30, 2003 4:59 PM | 18 Comments
Tags: chats, driving
File under: quotes

she's a wha?

I saw this the other day and pulled over to take a picture. Lucky thing because it only lasted a mere 48 hours. This is on a street that is littered in condoms and crawling with hookers, but luckily the graffiti gets cleaned up fast!

By Lina on July 29, 2003 9:29 PM | 7 Comments
Tags:
File under: life

funeral plans.

Last Friday after the funeral my friends and I decided that our group seems to have a high mortality rate, and rather poorly planned services which is a perfect cocktail for a *total bummer*. Therefore, we decided to make a list of what we each wanted at our own funerals so in the event of an untimely demise there wouldn't be some jesus-loving relative planning the festivities.

Mary's funeral will be, like all good things, held at night, outdoors and with a plethora of candles. She would like her soundtrack to consist primarily of the Birthday Party and GG Allin.

One fellow said that he wanted, among other things, to be set out to sea, wearing a kilt, in a canoe designed and built by some sort of Native American group. We are all hoping that he will be the last to die so none of the rest of us will have to plan his funeral.

My teenage heartthrob said that although he doesn't particularly care about the details of his service, he would like for his eulogy to be read by a stripper wearing pasties. This is the fellow, mind you, that married a stripper while we were still dating (without telling me, no less.)

Although I am sure I am leaving out crucial details of my friend's memorials out (because I don't have the list in front of me); I do have a picture in my mind of precisely what I would like mine to be like.

First point: karaoke machine. On said machine, I would like Mary to sing Whitesnake's smash hit "Here I Go Again."

On the ubiquitous wall of photos commemorating me, I would like at least 1 (one) photo of me clad solely or primarily in underwear. If, in the unlikely event that I live to be 90, the underwear photo may be "vintage."

There definitely needs to be a DJ, spinning classic rock hits and new wave classics such as "Send Me an Angel" by Real Life.

Most important, as there will not be an open casket to remember me by, I would like a cardboard cut-out of myself that guests can pose with, deface, and take pictures with. This may be the photo of me in my underwear, but that will be at my mother's discretion.

The only other news in my life is that I need to have an emergency root canal. Anyone want to lend me $2000?

By Lina on July 25, 2003 4:29 PM | 13 Comments
Tags: death
File under:

not so funny.

I've had a particularly heinous few weeks, which is why I haven't updated. I generally feel that if I don't have anything amusing to say, it's better to say nothing at all. I will, however, try to make light of my problems and share with you some of my recent activities.

On Friday I went to the funeral for one of my old friends. Although not particularly entertaining in itself (funerals are sad, FYI), the event did have its moments. For one, the brother of the deceased propositioned me, suggesting that we engage in coitus in the bathroom of the funeral home. I declined. Also in attendance was a wild-eyed fellow from my hometown whose affectionate nickname is "Satan." He clearly had designs on my tear-stained friend Olive; after the service he approached her and said, "So...what are you doing today?" Tres classy.

Other than that, nothing much to report. Last night I was invited into a hot tub filled with half-a-dozen nearly naked homosexual men. I declined. I've also realized that you haven't really lived until you have been publicly weighed in front of a room of fat women. Today I spent $100 on groceries. It was fabulous.

I will try and update more this week. I appreciate all the support I've been getting in the comments, etc., so thanks. You guys rule (sometimes).

By Lina on July 20, 2003 10:04 PM | 7 Comments
Tags: death
File under: