shutitdown: livin' for the anecdote

<< shutitdown: taking one for the anecdote

funeral plans.

Last Friday after the funeral my friends and I decided that our group seems to have a high mortality rate, and rather poorly planned services which is a perfect cocktail for a *total bummer*. Therefore, we decided to make a list of what we each wanted at our own funerals so in the event of an untimely demise there wouldn't be some jesus-loving relative planning the festivities.

Mary's funeral will be, like all good things, held at night, outdoors and with a plethora of candles. She would like her soundtrack to consist primarily of the Birthday Party and GG Allin.

One fellow said that he wanted, among other things, to be set out to sea, wearing a kilt, in a canoe designed and built by some sort of Native American group. We are all hoping that he will be the last to die so none of the rest of us will have to plan his funeral.

My teenage heartthrob said that although he doesn't particularly care about the details of his service, he would like for his eulogy to be read by a stripper wearing pasties. This is the fellow, mind you, that married a stripper while we were still dating (without telling me, no less.)

Although I am sure I am leaving out crucial details of my friend's memorials out (because I don't have the list in front of me); I do have a picture in my mind of precisely what I would like mine to be like.

  • First point: karaoke machine. On said machine, I would like Mary to sing Whitesnake's smash hit "Here I Go Again."
  • On the ubiquitous wall of photos commemorating me, I would like at least 1 (one) photo of me clad solely or primarily in underwear. If, in the unlikely event that I live to be 90, the underwear photo may be "vintage."
  • There definitely needs to be a DJ, spinning classic rock hits and new wave classics such as "Send Me an Angel" by Real Life.
  • Most important, as there will not be an open casket to remember me by, I would like a cardboard cut-out of myself that guests can pose with, deface, and take pictures with. This may be the photo of me in my underwear, but that will be at my mother's discretion.

    The only other news in my life is that I need to have an emergency root canal. Anyone want to lend me $2000?

  • 13 Comments

    i was kicking your ass before you quit, pussy. i rock at interneting. crawl back to your wonderful real life, adam. feel the shame

    lina,
    don't forget to have the whole funeral web-cast. remember, if they tilt your head slightly and backlight you, you'll look great on the webcam.
    you should also have a chat room set up were you can force the mourners to play online scrabble.

    i love you
    cheer up
    fuck root canals!

    I'm sending my underware. Now where is that address of yours?

    my favorite t-shirts:

    http://www.vintagecoffins.com/tshirt.html

    "don't be caught dead without one" (this is the one I own)

    "we put the fun back in funeral"

    "think INside the box"

    well hey those ideas dont sound as bad!

    You can get Caskets that have a special coating on them, so you could write on them with a felt tip pen.

    You could post a photo and I'll print it out for you. Large flash printer at work?!

    Personally I'd like to be wrapped in a brown paper bag and tossed onto the tip, after my death. Left out for the "garbage" man, as you chaps would say.

    Lend??? Ahh, I fell for that once before. =[

    Fulminating echoes of an articulate otter, my Mexican-American companion. No more, no less; indeed a conundrum of profound Hellenism.

    I notice you state "in underwear" not "in my underwear". So whose underwear were you planning on wearing in said photograph? There is no point in you wearing my underwear. My underwear is very boring so I'm sure it wouldn't get any votes in the upcoming contest of photos of you clad solely or primarily in underwear. Why isn't there underwear on your Wishlist?

    So many questions.

    I love you Lina.

    girl im thinkin you need to add a little clause about alfred hoppin up in your casket and ridin that chunky cadaver until some sweet formaldehyde rolls on down your backside, damn. grandfather that motherfucker in cause im feelin it all through the damn procession

    Perhaps you should post a series of pictures of you clad solely or primarily in underwear so that we, your adoring fans, could select the photo to be posted in your honor at that final good-bye. You could be the only one in your group to have a funeral at least partially planned as a group activity.

    Besides we would all like to see you clad solely or primarily in underwear.

     

    Shutit


    about me
    stuff
    archives

    Links
    the odd kitchen
    ever undone
    ilovethisworld
    gritmedia
    ytmnd

    Recent Comments

    clay: i was kicking your ass before you quit, pussy. i read more
    XAdamDX: lina, don't forget to have the whole funeral web-cast. remember, read more
    zack: i love you cheer up fuck root canals! read more
    Pete: I'm sending my underware. Now where is that address of read more