December 2004 Archives

The other day I was in the process of trying to persuade one of my new co-workers to be my friend. "Once I got mugged twice in the same month," I boasted, sure that this was the ticket to get me in to the ever elusive cool-work-crowd. He raised his eyebrows slightly, unmoved.

"Well," he said, "once I stepped in the same shit twice."

This, I have decided, is the analogy for my entire life, much like the aim emoticon--as shown above--that represents my complete spectrum of feelings.

He went on to tell me that on his way to the Paris metro he stepped in a pile of feces, and then later the same day on the way home from the metro, he stepped in it again, albeit with the other foot.

This slightly disgusting story is representative of not only my romantic life, but my entire life as a whole. Benjamin Franklin once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." This explains why I continue to eat Ho-hos (even though I feel sick every time), buy shoes that look cute but don't fit, close my eyes when making left-hand turns, and find myself completely unable to make a clean break from a relationship. I like to get my shoes dirty, I suppose.

The thing is, I'm not crazy per se, I'm just hopeful. Some of the greatest discoveries by mankind has involved doing the same things over and over and finally getting a different result. So really, my life is more like a science experiment than anything else.

When I look at it from a scientific point of view, stepping in the same shit twice doesn't seem quite as bad. It's still better than getting mugged by a drag queen (I promise to write about that next time) or at least it's not quite as scary.

There are few people in the world that will truly understand what I am saying, but I am confident that one of them is my friend Iris from New Yizzy. In the late 90's, we made equations that represented our life and times, and they generally went something like, drinking divided by celebrity appearances times shame squared equals karaoke. Anyway, you should read her stuff because she's probably better than you, and the one that coined the term, "bright lights, big dick in my ass." Also, my homeboy Duncan is writing his stuff over here. The link I made for him on my sidebar doesn't work, but you should read his page because he is definitely smarter than you and me put together. For real. Peace out.

The day I was leaving New York, my brother saw Tony Danza skulking about on my grandparent's street. I was rather bitter, as I am sure you can imagine--it's been a lifelong dream of mine to "chill" with Admiral Danza. I tried corresponding with him through this page a number of times over the past few years, to no avail. Tony's heart was not to be won so easily.

Do you remember Tony's soft shoe act? He did it maybe twice during the many years of Who's the Boss? One night at 4 am I was watching Saturday Night Live reruns, and Tony Danza was hosting. He produced some witty banter, and then whipped out his tap shoes and went to town. I wasn't sure if I was actually watching the show or if it was just some beautiful dream that I would inevitably be torn from by the cold grip of reality. For that moment, that brief second, I was truly happy.