shutitdown: taking one for the anecdote
Dear Children.
Happy Valentines Day. I love you, even though you rarely respond to my emails.
Check out my Valentine's Day Compilation. The theme is sort of like, reciprocal love. I'm totally into that. It's so hot.
1. I Will Follow Him - Little Peggy March
2. Obsession (Special Dub Mix) - Animotion
3. Every Breath You Take - The Police
4. Give Me Your Love - Junior Murvin
5. You'll Be Needing Me - Nino Tempo
6. Following - The Bangles
7. Climbing Up the Walls - Radiohead
8. The Stalker - Green Velvet
9. Dust (Rocque Wun Remix) - Recloose Feat. Joe Dukie
10. I'm Gonna Make You Love Me - Diana Ross & The Supremes
11. Run For Your Life - Nancy Sinatra
12. Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley
13. Infatuation - Rod Stewart
14. One Way or Another - Blondie
15. You Belong to Me - Carly Simon
16. Need Your Love (Live) - Cheap Trick
17. Private Eyes - Darly Hall & John Oates
18. I'm Your Puppet - Jimmy London
19. You Belong to Me - The Duprees
20. All Strung Out - Nino Tempo & April Stevens
21. The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get - Morrissey
22. Fate (Tynneterje Edit) - Chaka Khan
I'm running out of soul-crushing stories from Valentine's past, but I suppose I can share that last year on this fateful day I found myself in a Korean karaoke bar and ended up walking out in tears before midnight. This might be because my singing ability can only be described as heinous, or so I told myself on the two mile walk home.
This year, though, I decided to be proactive and sent the Polack a love poem. I was a little nervous--I've learned from my traumatic past relationships that one should never let a boy know that one likes him. There is nothing that can ruin a relationship like signs of affection. However, I decided to drop my guard and let him know how I truly feel. Although I'm too shy to post the entire text here, I will give you a one line sample:
'Why would I have ever let this Pole stick it in my Jewish hole?'
No one can say that I don't know how to bring the romance.
If you've never read my Valentine's posts from previous years, it's well worth it to check them out:
Covering the entire span of my romantic life in just three songs:
Love to Hate You - Erasure
Loving You, Hating Me - Soft Cell
I Hate Myself for Loving You - Joan Jett
Right now I'm in the process of making a top ten list of things for us to do tonight. Currently, at the top of the list is calling/writing all of our exes and telling them we'll kill ourselves if they won't say "I love you." Sadly, this wasn't my idea, but was the genius of a friend who thought this would be a good group activity. Angry at him for having such a good idea, at 11:30 today I instant messaged him.
"Have lunch with me," I wrote.
I waited a second, then typed, "or I'll kill myself."
So far, other items on the list of possible activities include, in various combinations: glory holes, the Westminster Dog Show, rohypnol, Tijuana, Jewish porn, cigarettes, and crying softly. Nothing screams romance like suicide threats and dog shows.
My brother on V-Day:
Max: there was candy at the front desk
Max: and when i tried to grab one
Max: the secretary was like "YOU CANT HAVE ONE UNLESS YOU WRITE US A VALENTINE" and pointed to a box that had obviously been decorated for at least an hour
Max: i wrote "die in a fire" folded it in half and then took a hersheys
Max: BAM
Per usual tradition, Valentines of the past:
When I was at the tender age of eleven, I had what could be described as a slight crush on a rotund young man in my class, Josh Frank. In addition to being the proud possessor of two first names and a full head of bushy hair, Josh managed to be chubby and yet still stay on the fringes of the 'cool' crowd in our class. Since there were only twenty-five youths in our grade, we were all quite aware of each other?s social rank in the elementary school hierarchy.
The night before Valentine's Day, I carefully signed a valentine for each of my classmates, and chose which conversation heart I would include for them. I certainly would not be giving Gabe one that read 'U R A CUTIE,' for he was not. Josh, however, received one that read, 'LIKE U.'
We had our nametags out on our desk, and we all walked around, distributing our valentines to our classmates. This was a process that could take upwards of half an hour, and our teacher sat at her desk, visibly bored, as we each gave her our largest and most colorful cards.
As I was passing my valentines out, I stopped at my desk occasionally to peruse the cards that had been left for me. I saw one with Josh's telltale scrawl on it, and plucked it from the bunch. I opened in quickly, glancing around the room to make sure that he wasn't watching me, and pulled the card out of the envelope.
It was a Michael Jordan card, with a picture of the athlete dribbling a basketball down the court. 'You're Nothing But Net to Me!' the card read. I turned it over and Josh had written,
WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME????
Circle One
YES NO
My heart racing, I put the card back on my desk and went back to passing out valentines. I realized that finally, I would be a woman, I too would have a boyfriend like so many of my classmates. The rest of the class party passed as if in a dream, and I planned how I would slip the valentine back to Josh with 'YES' emphatically circled. I saw Josh standing next to my desk, and I coyly ignored him.
When I finally returned to my desk, I sat down to read Josh's valentine again. I opened the card, and saw Michael Jordon staring back at me. Only this time, when I turned it over, there was nothing there save some eraser marks and a faint penciled reminder of what could have been.
* * *
Valentine's past.
The dirty valentines last year.
In non-holiday related news, I am going to directly steal a post from Luna so go visit Luna so she won't be mad at me for doing it.
You give me something to write about. I write it.
Your website and/or genitals, the President (I wouldn't know where to start), and the "latest" interweb funny video are not viable options.
So get to it.
Things written on the conversation hearts: h8 u, tits n ass, butt plug, oh jesus, im a cock, glove love, not that hole, $$ shot, sugar daddy, on yr knees, ow, safe word, pop, r those real?, more, fist fuck, blue balls, rim job, soft cock, finger bang, anal4u, glory hole, is it in yet?, dirty pillows, half n half, cock block, home run, plug it up, booty call, milf, spit or swallow, oral fix, dry hump, <3 amputees, beat off, bikini week, cock sucker, dental dam, limp dick, not there!, golden showers, frottage, necro, chili dog, cumshot, eat me, x, sex bomb, just friends, half master, boff me, hard on, boner, dirty sanchez, fish hooks, pink sock, third base, foot fetish, nail me, pvc, ho bag, low hangers, suck toes, tea bag, circle jerk, butt luv, 3some, ram rod, cock ring, snail trail, shoot, doggy style and
i loathe you.
To see my valentine update from last year, check out let me get my hands on your mammary glands.
I'm going to go die now.
I just got back from my screenprinting class. After being there for 10 and half hours. Nightmare. My back hurts from standing the whole time, and I am covered from head to toe in ink. But I finished my project, which ended up being valentines. You will all see my work (which shows definite signs of genius) around the 14th, if I haven't slit my wrists yet.
Saturday, I had my picture on the front page of the Onion, Salon, Nerve, FuckedCompany and Bust. Actually, I got a few letters from people I hadn't heard from in ages telling me that my grinning mug was prominently featured. No, I hadn't become famous, I was The Catch of the Day, from the Nerve personals. Like a piece of poached salmon, I was not particularly happy to be labeled thus, as I thought it made me look like a sex-hungry wanton slut.
I got my retaliation when I realized that Nerve didn't have staff in until Monday, so I changed my ad to prominently feature a link to my website. This resulted in $40 profit from porn sign-ups, ostensibly from potential suitors who quickly realized that they would never see me naked. Since Nerve took down my URL first thing this morning, I promptly took down my profile in retaliation. In case you missed it, here are some of the highlights:
Last great book I read:
19th Century Lit makes me tingle.
Most humbling moment:
In 6th grade a boy named Josh gave me a Michael Jordan valentine with 'Will you go out with me? Circle one Yes No' written on. I read it and went to finish passing out my valentines. When I came back to my desk he had taken the valentine and erased it.
Favorite on-screen sex scene:
Perry Farrell doing it with his dead wife in The Gift.
So other than all this, there isn't too much exciting going on here. I got the cutest sweater at dickiesgirl.com, which was the first thing I have bought that cost more than $20 in like, a year. I wore it for 2 hours, and then it got stolen at my job. I am so bitter about it, and it makes me sad everytime I think about some retard wandering the streets of San Francisco wearing MY sweater!
On another note, here are some pictures that I meant to put up a few weeks ago when I went to that children's park with my all those little kids.
No wonder kids are so messed up nowadays. ;)
Here is one of the famed valentines that Fran and I made when we were roommates in college. We made a large number of black valentines with Smiths lyrics on them, and distributed them to our disillusioned and alienated peers. Here are some sample lyrics that I can recall:
I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
Message received
Loud and clear
Two lovers entwined passed me by
and heavens knows I'm miserable now
But I don't want a lover
I just want to be tied to the back of your car.
I know I need hardly say
how much I love your casual way
but please put your tongue away
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does
In my life
why do I smile
at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye
and if a ten ton truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well the pleasure and the privilege is mine
Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb
That will bring us together
I still love you
but only slightly
less than I used to
Last night I dreamt
that somebody loved me
no hope-but no harm
just another false alarm
Clearly, we were very charming young ladies. Odd that neither one of us can sustain a long-term relationship. Here's a really funny random Smiths lyrics generator.
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